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About Literature / Hobbyist Core Member Jay57/Male/United States Recent Activity
Deviant for 15 Years
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Flaming Sunset by primowalker Flaming Sunset :iconprimowalker:primowalker 2 0 Field Sunrise by primowalker Field Sunrise :iconprimowalker:primowalker 2 0 Chilly Iowa Morning by primowalker Chilly Iowa Morning :iconprimowalker:primowalker 2 0 Trauma by primowalker Trauma :iconprimowalker:primowalker 0 4 Harrison County Court House - Tri-X Filter by primowalker Harrison County Court House - Tri-X Filter :iconprimowalker:primowalker 0 0 Moon Over Omaha 2 by primowalker Moon Over Omaha 2 :iconprimowalker:primowalker 0 0 Moon Over Iowa1 by primowalker Moon Over Iowa1 :iconprimowalker:primowalker 0 2 Sunrise in America by primowalker Sunrise in America :iconprimowalker:primowalker 2 0 Baily collage by primowalker Baily collage :iconprimowalker:primowalker 1 0 Misty Sitting by primowalker Misty Sitting :iconprimowalker:primowalker 3 0 Fight by primowalker Fight :iconprimowalker:primowalker 2 0 Tripping To Fleetwood Mac by primowalker Tripping To Fleetwood Mac :iconprimowalker:primowalker 0 0 Sleepy Time by primowalker Sleepy Time :iconprimowalker:primowalker 2 0 Ball Of Fur by primowalker Ball Of Fur :iconprimowalker:primowalker 1 0 She A Little Coy by primowalker She A Little Coy :iconprimowalker:primowalker 1 0 Pinhole Camera Experiment by primowalker Pinhole Camera Experiment :iconprimowalker:primowalker 4 3


Essence. by CamilaKL Essence. :iconcamilakl:CamilaKL 279 40 Buachaille Etive Mor by newcastlemale Buachaille Etive Mor :iconnewcastlemale:newcastlemale 698 323 Glencoe mono by newcastlemale Glencoe mono :iconnewcastlemale:newcastlemale 893 209 Isle of Skye by newcastlemale Isle of Skye :iconnewcastlemale:newcastlemale 1,179 316 Glencoe by newcastlemale Glencoe :iconnewcastlemale:newcastlemale 1,337 374 Glasgow cathedral by newcastlemale Glasgow cathedral :iconnewcastlemale:newcastlemale 1,080 265 Northumberland Landscape by newcastlemale Northumberland Landscape :iconnewcastlemale:newcastlemale 862 270 Sir Ralph Grey tomb by newcastlemale Sir Ralph Grey tomb :iconnewcastlemale:newcastlemale 650 259 Milky Way by newcastlemale Milky Way :iconnewcastlemale:newcastlemale 2,119 633 Lindisfarne Castle by newcastlemale Lindisfarne Castle :iconnewcastlemale:newcastlemale 820 456 Poppy Field 2 by newcastlemale Poppy Field 2 :iconnewcastlemale:newcastlemale 985 339 Brinkburn Priory by newcastlemale Brinkburn Priory :iconnewcastlemale:newcastlemale 640 207 Holy Batman! by Stephvanrijn
Mature content
Holy Batman! :iconstephvanrijn:Stephvanrijn 448 0
Fade into Nothingness III by Aenea-Jones Fade into Nothingness III :iconaenea-jones:Aenea-Jones 513 17 duck by nikolass by nikolass83gianni duck by nikolass :iconnikolass83gianni:nikolass83gianni 8 2


Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
United States
Human begin, a father, and lover, in that order. I'm also a secular humanist, an atheist, a blogger (, writer, thinker, photographer and and a very amateur musician.

I live in the great state of Nebraska where the Huskers rule and corn is king. It also happens to have the only unicameral state government in the U.S. I love thunderstorms (which is a good thing considering where I live!).

I love science, especially astronomy, physics, and evolutionary biology.

Current Residence: Omaha, Nebraska
deviantWEAR sizing preference: XXL
Print preference: The bigger, the better
Favourite genre of music: Most anything
Favourite photographer: `devilicious
Favourite style of art: Any
Operating System: Mac OS X
MP3 player of choice: My Adroid Phone
Shell of choice: Bash
Wallpaper of choice: Anything by xeslana
Favourite cartoon character: Zap Branagin & Kif
Personal Quote: Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy

Those of you who have followed me here for a while know that I was once married to a woman named Holly.  She is the mother of my two children. There was a whole bunch of drama when we divorced that some of you were privy to.  That was a long time ago. The pain, hurt and anger have faded. The children are grown. People have remarried. Life has gone on. Except for one.

Holly died a week ago. She had been very ill for several years so it wasn't a surprise.  Sudden, yes.  Surprise, no. 

My first concern, of course, is with my kids. They have had to deal with their mother's declining health for a long time. This was very stressful, especially for my daughter, Olivia.  After we moved to the north part of town, Olivia decided to move in with her mom so she could finish out her senior year of high school at the same school and so she could be around to help her mom.  

This caused an enormous amount of stress for Liv. She barely made it through her final year of high school with her sanity intact. In addition, she was working two jobs to earn money for college.  She made it through and started at the University of Nebraska, Lincoln this past fall. She decided to attend the Lincoln campus instead of the Omaha one so she could put some distance between herself and the stresses she'd been dealing with. It was a good move, as it turned out since she wasn’t there to find her mother when she passed away.

 My son, Alex, has been living back in Massachusetts with his grandmother for the past couple of years, so he was somewhat removed from it all. None this has been easy on either of my kids, but they are handling it as well as can be expected.

 As for me, it feels strange. I got over the pain and anger of the betrayal and divorce a long time ago, but I never could get to the point where I could remember the good times with Holly without getting upset.  I think this was because she made everything so difficult whenever we had to deal with each other. And she continued to lie to me even when there was no reason to. That just brought up the hurt and anger anew.

 It is still hard for me to stop and really convince myself that she is dead. It freaks me out thinking about her being dead. Part of the reason is that I was in love with her for a long time. I invested much of my self-worth in being a good husband so that relationship was a very big part of who I was. Even though things between us went bad, the fact that she was once the love of my life, my reason for being, means that a big part of my life was spent with her. And there was a lot of happiness there, which as I said before I haven’t really been able to look back on fondly, although I would like to be able to.

 A divorce is a lot like a death and I did a lot of grieving for losing her back when we split, so I don’t think there is really much grieving of the loss of her to do now. What I think I might be able to do is to start to allow myself to look back on the good times we shared with pleasure. Now that Holly isn’t around anymore to keep reminding me of why we split up, I can start to review my life with her separate from her. I can start to look at it without all the baggage and anger. I would like to be able to do this because there is almost two decades of my life that I walled off and avoided looking at for the past 10 years. I’d like those times back.

 I’ve suffered my fair share of losses. Besides two divorces, I lost both parents and a sister, so I’m no stranger to the finality of death. This one has hit hard in some ways, in others not. I’m angry that she never took care of herself because now her kids will not have their mother there when they graduate college, get married or have children of their own. She knew what could happen if she didn’t take care of her diabetes. We used to talk about it all the time so it’s not like she didn’t know.

 I’m also sad because it is such a waste. She was so intelligent and capable and did nothing with it. She put her kids, especially Olivia, through so much stress and worry because of her health.

 So, I guess this last act of hers, dying, leaves me feeling the same as anything else she did in life: sad and angry. I suppose, knowing Holly, that is only fitting.



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        Thanks for the FAV by smault23Thanks for the FAV by smault23Thanks for the FAV by smault23Thanks for the FAV by smault23
inkedicon Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the fave! =D
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3 colors full of joy by MarthaDeAth   Thanks a lot for faving!!!
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